***Warning: Horrible Haikus is a game rated 17+. This article reflects that. Topics and language found in this game and in this article may be disturbing to boring people.***

Tired of being just a horrible person?

Wish you could be a horrible person with a little more class?

Horrible Haikus might be exactly what you’ve been looking for.

I can’t have been the only person who liked the black cards of CAH (Cards Against Humanity) which required two or three different white cards. After playing the game for some time with many different friend groups, certain card combinations start to pop up over and over again, and jokes get stale. But the multi-card combos always gave a player more chance to express their comedic genius and twisted, fucked-up minds. It became more than just a contest of who could be the most horriblest person.

It became a contest of who could be classiest horriblest person. Put some style on your dickishness. Own it. Embrace it.

Horrible Haikus takes that concept and doubles, or should I say, triples down on it. To start, each player draws three 5-syllable cards and two 7-syllable cards with which they will construct a haiku. Players must arrange these in the standard 5-7-5 format to create a working haiku. If a player doesn’t already know how to make a haiku, they’re an idiot and you’d do best cutting all ties with them.

Got it? Great. Moving on…

A fun corkscrew thrown into the mix is the introduction of Performance cards. Anyone who’s played games like Cards Against Humanity knows that half the humor from the cards comes from the person reading them: If they have a good voice and know how to have some fun with it, a lot of the jokes land a lot more easily. Conversely, if they’re boring and stupid and generally unfun people named Dave who robbed you of the Best Halloween Costume award in fourth grade, it usually ends up ruining the experience for everyone. No one wants to play with Dave.

Performance cards aim to fix that. These cards give every player a prompt with how to voice their card readings. In Horrible Haikus, each player reads their own haiku in accordance with the prompt, except for the judge, who is the first person to read the performance card and does not make a haiku in this round. This means that everyone knows who made each haiku, so its up to them to pick best haikus rather than picking their favorite person. Which sounds like something Dave would do. But not you. You seem pretty cool.

This also means that everyone but one person reads a haiku each round. The performance cards are there to add to the comedy as well as help out the creatively challenged (Dave), and you don’t have to worry about someone reading your cards in the wrong order (Also Dave). It’s a small touch that makes the experience a lot smoother and more entertaining.

This is a Kickstarter project, but it’s an all-or-nothing campaign, which is short for a we’re-not-interested-in-scamming-you campaign. This means that if the project does not reach its target goal and does not finish production, your pledge will be refunded. The full game requires a pledge of $25, and unless you’re boring and poor, I see no reason why you shouldn’t pick that up stat. It’s $25 for 550 cards! That’s a lot of cards, plus a neat-looking box to ago along with it. You can also pledge a wimpy $15 and get a T-shirt, which is okay, but it’s about 550 cards short of being the best option. And that’s 550 cards too short for my taste.

Or you could Dave it up and come away from reading this whole article pledging absolutely nothing like some kind of heartless monster. Like the kind of heartless monster who wins the Best Costume Competition 4 years in a row because his dad is the Vice Principal. The kind of person who wears the same, shitty ghost costume year after year with that shit-eating grin because he knows he could come in without a costume and still win the whole thing.

Fuck you, Dave, you fucking piece of shit. I’ll never forgive you.

Featured Image Via The Official Horrible Haikus Kickstarter page.

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I’m a nerd with a wild sense of humor. I’m very good at running tabletop games (Like Dungeons & Dragons), or at least that’s what my players would tell you. I spend about as much time writing new content for those games as I do working on jobs or internships, and love every second of it. I'm a lover of dogs and mint chocolate chip, and my favorite dinosaur is the ankylosaurus. I also play racquetball with friends at least four times a week, go to the gym six times a week, and go for jogs around the neighborhood when I have time, because health is important and stuff. Eat them greens, yo.